It occurred to Neena there and thenabouts that she was
traversing the neural byways of a diseased mind. I f not her own mind, then the
mind of someone she’d somehow stumbled into. Someone whose brooding fantasies
formed a kind of Sadean paradise of horrors, a metropolis malignant whose
avenues multiplied at a rate beyond the craft of any cartographer to manipulate,
novelist to organize, or law enforcement agency to control—a fabulated,
unbalanced city of a sick and, perhaps, even hallucinating brain. Here
ultra-violent sexual nightmares proliferated in a medusan tangle of blind
alleys and at the end of each twisted thoroughfare awaited a sacrificial
slaying.
Perhaps, she was trapped inside the mind of a serial killer,
cast in the role of idealized victim, the “star” of two dozen or so compulsively
elaborated fantasies whose orgasmic climax was always the mathematical
equivalent of murder. There were times, it seemed, as if a certain
half-familiar scenario would abruptly dead-end, as if construction in that
direction had suddenly encountered some unsatisfactory and unforeseen
condition, some impossible obstacle to completion that not even dream-logic
could overcome, and this deflating failure of the imagination, this mental
coital interruptus had dictated that another more, promising detour be chosen
instead.
Or, perhaps, he’d simply cum.
She began to seriously consider that there was, in fact, no
minotaur at the center of this festering maze, no ultimate bristling horror to
confront or escape, but, perhaps, something even worse, an endless series of
penultimate horrors, as if the aggregate, the entire wormy-squirmy and
multiplying mass, taken whole, without conclusion or destination, yes, as if
the non-act, the very limbo of being hopelessly lost minus map or clue were in
itself the minotaur to which barefoot and bedecked with flowers like a bride
she’d been bequeathed to be devoured by uncertainty from within forever.
At this point, let us note, Neena felt a paralyzing dread of
turning her anointed head, of looking back at the old woman who, up to now, was
pushing her wheelchair through this infernal hospice of the damned, for it
seemed to her that something even worse were propelling her through these
ice-cold corridors than a cackling, mad, undead and cancer-ridden crone and the
fact that she couldn’t imagine what that might be not only functioned “as if it
were” a paralyzing agent but, literally, in actual fact, was the cause of a
catastrophic trauma of the relevant vertebrae that made turning her head
impossible, that rendered such paralysis a reality. You might say it was an
injury such as one might suffer by hurtling through the windscreen that
normally separated us from the surrounding landscape, serving as a necessary
barrier between the so-called imaginary and the so-called real.
Perhaps, and, indeed, we might as well consider all the
possibilities inasmuch as we still have the time (and, ironically, while
awaiting the execution of a death-sentence, one seems to have all the time in
the world, close to an eternity, the mind moves so fast; certainly, one has all the time necessary, which is much
the same thing as eternity, relatively speaking, when all is said and done; but
is it ever? Done, we mean.), that there is no one pushing the wheelchair at
all; perhaps it is self-propelled or remote-controlled; perhaps it is fueled by
Neena’s own fear and apprehension, her panic and hysteria, which properly
harnessed, provide an alternate source of energy, inexhaustible as the fear of
death. Entire nations running on the terror of its citizenry…think about it, is
it really so far-fetched, after what we’ve seen, considering what we know
already?
But we digress, and yet, if truth be told (the truth? We
chuckle, shake our heads, and wash our hands. Send in the next prisoner, please…),
we will continue to digress, for what else is there but digressions and, all
the moreso, when there’s nothing properly to digress from?
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